Age three: Of mindfucks and other games

Somewhere around age three, children gather enough vocabulary and spunk to get back at you in a way they know best. Which normally involves twisting something you said or taking it out of context to say something that will solely be of benefit to them. It also is largely intended to imply that they are not babies anymore and you can just fool them with words, as they have all the armour to decode it. They also learn the art of the subtext around this age, that is they say things without saying them, which is a bit of the mind-fuck as you are just not ready for this level of verbal politics.

So here is a ready reckoner from my life to decode what they mean from what they say:

What they say and what they mean:

Re: Lion was not wearing a tie today!
(What he means: Why the fuck did you put a tie on me? I felt ridiculous!)

 
Re: Ritushi didn’t come today. And Shaurya didn’t come. And Mahek didn’t come. And Kwishna didn’t come. And Adlai didn’t come!
(What he means: Why the fuck was I sent to school when others bunked?)

 
Re: Chhotabeeem and Raju are being nangu.
(What he means: Why do I have to wear clothes?)

Re: I want dadda!

(What he means: I have had enough of the controlling you and I would rather be around someone who is okay with me not bathing or brushing or going to school)

He said, she said

I am in that phase when the boy is spewing enough nuggets for me to want to pin a  dictaphone to myself. But since I am technologically challenged, I try and store them in my little head, sometimes punch them into my phone, and sometimes, put it down on this blog. I guess the joy of him being on the verge of three is that he still has a baby voice. Which makes the sound bytes a tad more appealing. Here are a few in no particular order:

Mamma. I don’t like you.

Why?

Because dadda likes you.

***

(Boy is making the bed and then lining all his toys on it. I walk in.)

Mamma. There’s no place for you.

Why?

Because cheetah haffto sleep. And lion haffto sleep. And zebra haffto sleep. And tiger haffto sleep. And rhinoscissors haff to sleep. And hippopotis haffto sleep.

Okay then.

***

Mamma, can lion be with the zebra?

Yes, technically it can.

Oh, okay.

And can tiger be with the zebra?

(Me, increasingly nervous now) Yes, why not?

Okay, so they will do ninni together.

***

Mamma, I want to tell you something.

Yes.

I think you are not a boy. You are a girl.

Yes, that’s true.

Mamma, I want to tell you something..

Yes.

I think you are not a girl. You are a mamma.

***

Mamma. I am not a bad boy. I am a good boy.

Yes, you are.

And you are a bad girl.

Hmmph.

***

Boy is singing his school prayer (with a twist)

God’s love is so wonderful, God’s love is so wonderful, God’s love is so wonderful,

O, wonderful love

So high, we can’t get over it, so deep, we can’t get under it…

* Thinks, pauses, and then says*

But….we can get… through it!

***

Mamma. Nadia beat me. (Nadia is the feline sibling)

What did you do to annoy her?

I put her on my cycle.

***

Mamma, please tell Bravo not to sit on my chair. (Bravo is feline no. 2)

Why?

Because it is a baby chair. It’s not a cat chair.

***

(Am trying to give boy a bath. He wants to have a no-soap, no-water bath, which I am trying to explain is a tad tricky. After leaving him to his own devices, I peep into the bathroom to check on him)

Mamma. I told you don’t come in my room.

So this is how it all begins, I think. That space thing.